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You Are Where You Eat
8/6/2012 3:35:37 PM

Lunch Rules, OK?

 

1.    You are where you eat.

2.    Being seen is more important than being fed. Where you eat is more important that what you eat. When you’re paying a fortune you might as well be noticed doing so.

3.    Restauranting is an art form. If you think of food simply as fuel, join a gym and pig-out on protein shakes. Restauranting’s true expression is as a social lubricator – it takes practice. True artists use it to build relationships and break down social barriers. However if the art is not mastered completely it can cause marital break down and strife with the law. 

4.    The worst restaurants are those with Porsches parked outside. They’ll be full of property developers and car dealers who know it all, show it all, owe it all. They use this technique to impress 22 year old bimbos.

5.    Never ask for your “usual” table, they’ll think you’re a tosser and put you by the toilet.

6.    If, by mistake or unavoidable circumstance, you’re forced to eat at a provincial greasy-spoon truck-stop, run by an alcoholic cook dishonourably discharged from the navy, don’t send your steak back because you think it’s underdone. The cook will spit on it and send it back the way it was.

7.    Never go to a revolving restaurant, it’ll be full of men wearing imitation leather jackets and women in elastic-waisted skirt,  celebrating a wedding anniversary with their gum-chewing, mullet-cutted offspring.

8.    Never order a food or wine you can’t pronounce, you’ll look like an idiot trying.  Eg; Viognier is pronounced Vee-on–e–yer, not Voyg-ner or Vinegar.

9.    If the menu is printed in 2 Point Eyestrain just order the chef’s special, if the chef puts his name to it, it’s invariably good – if you can’t read the menu without your glasses, you’ll risk ordering something that’ll make you gag.

10.                       Don’t go to a trendy restaurant that’s all glass and concrete. You won’t be able to hear yourself think. If you want to spend a couple of hours yelling in someone’s ear, go and visit your grandparents.



The Magazine Awards

Business Columnist of the Year 2012

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